Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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