worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
