Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you had me at cake vodka
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
