I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
