Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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