I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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