Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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