ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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