Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
