i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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