You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
