Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
