I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
