Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
