we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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