im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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