Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
