Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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