I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
