I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
