dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
