Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
