I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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