dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
