it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
