For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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