He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
ok first of all what the fuck
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
