I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
