I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we're making bets on your personal life
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
