just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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