I'm drive I can fine osifer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
