Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
