I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
