as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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