I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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