We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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