Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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