I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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