Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
