True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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