This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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