the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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