I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
