I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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