I just threw up on my dentist
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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