why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
