Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
