You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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