remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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