I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
