i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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