well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
