I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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