Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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